Personal

Focusing on the Gratitude

Emily Provost — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 14:58:00 GMT

"All that we can know about those we have loved and lost, is that they would wish us to remember them with a more intensified realization of their reality. What is essential does not die but clarifies. The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." --Thornton Wilder

My mom's friend sent her that quote this weekend to say she was thinking about her. I thought it was beautiful. Being in Denver is both easy and hard. My heart is heavy but full. I have so much to be grateful for.

Happy 40th Mom and Dad. You are a shining example of faith, friendship and family. I love you.

Shoutout to superdad PGP and the blue eyed devils - You are the ultimate. XOXO.

Walk With Kings

Emily Provost — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 12:52:00 GMT

I started out the day full of hope and trying desperately to be normal. It worked until about 10am, where I promptly had a total physical and mental breakdown. Hadley and Finn never stop. I just can't catch my breath let alone grieve. I literally stopped to look out the kitchen window and get lost in my thoughts for a minute and turn around to find Finn putting clothes in the toilet and Hadley shredding the flowers a friend had given me and throwing the petals freaking everywhere because she wanted to be a flower girl. I let out a long gutteral scream.

I feel alien and far away and alone. I want to be in Denver with my mom and sister. I want to be near everything that reminds me of him and not far away in a dreary city trying desperately to be normal when I really just want to scream at the top of my lungs that my dad died and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I continue to remind myself to breathe. My therapist appointment tonight cannot come soon enough and I daydream about her handing me a typed sheet of instructions of how to get over all consuming grief. Unfortunately such a thing does not exist. I will just have to walk through this one step at a time. A wise woman told me that this feels like someone scrubbing your skin with a wire brush. I couldn't agree more. I feel raw, vulnerable, and exposed.

My dad loved the poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling. He often spoke of wanting us to be able to "walk with kings--nor lose the common touch".

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Distractions

Emily Provost — Mon, 15 Jan 2007 13:57:00 GMT

Lately I really love these shows: Brothers and Sisters, Dirt, and Dance Life on Mtv. SNL was delicious this week as well with Jake Gyllenhaal and his fearless monologue and also the always enjoyable Shins.

I finished The Namesake and loved every last second of it. (Here's a blog about production that is interesting) Then I gobbled up Confessions of a Video Vixen on Sunday. It was awful. Awfully good that is. In a most salacious, scandalous way. Just look at the cover. I was embarrassed checking the thing out at the library. Last night I started Eat,Pray,Love, which is proving to be fantastic. I went to bed far too late because I was totally engrossed. This is the perfect read for me right now. She's a wonderful writer, has a calming voice but is really funny and real. She also seems to zero in on the things that are important in life.

Things are sort of up in the air with me at the moment physically, mentally, emotionally. Life is chaotic. I just try to remember and breathe. Day by day. Distraction is also key for me. I've been really good at that.

Here's something weird: I found a therapist through our insurance that was close to our house and she told me straight away that she didn't have a lot of room on her schedule for new patients but she would see me once and then refer me to someone else. I agreed, desperate to verbally vomit out everything that has been going on with me. We talked. She was lovely and wise. At the end of the appointment she said calmly "you know, I am going to try to find some time in my schedule because I think we'd be a really good fit. My specialty is working with people with chronic illness and...I don't know if I should be telling you this but...I have lupus."

I was gobsmacked. What are the odds?? Relief poured over me. She gets it. Immediately.

I have been missing yoga like you would not believe. Because of the friggin herniated disc, the doc doesn't want me going even after my soulful plea to let me still go. It's so therapuetic for me that when I don't go I am left sort of depleted and empty. So...more physical therapy and when she clears me I'm heading straight to a class.

Shout out to RMP - "A lament in one ear, maybe - but always a song in the other." Isle of View.

Just like the Olden Days

Emily Provost — Sun, 17 Dec 2006 10:30:00 GMT

We have been without power since Thursday evening. To sum it up, it blows. A huge wind storm knocked out tons of stuff. We did pretty well (camping stove for cooking, candles, flashlights, firewood, propane for a fancy indoor heater) until today. Right now we're at Peter's office holed up in a conference room. I immediately got a cup of coffee (starbucks machine) and jumped on Peter's laptop to peruse Perez Hilton. I do have priorities after all. The kids are running around Peter's office. I am over it. Peter and Hadley have strep. Finn is getting it and my back is still acting up. Dear Vicodin, Thank you for weathering the storm with me. You're a good friend. Love, Emily

Oddly, the timing of this (Christmas) is sort of appropriate. We have each other and in our everyday lives we are very fortunate. More so than most. We have just been sitting in front of the fire to stay warm, reading, playing, singing. It's just like the Olden Days. I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something and then I remember it's not that I'm forgetting anything, it's that there is no distraction for me to retreat to. We have been being a family. Nothing to do but be with each other. Sounds very Tiny Tim I know but true. Peter and I played Scrabble by candlelight last night. Before you puke from us being so wholesome I will tell you now that we went to Target and bought a portable DVD player, plugged it into the car and drove around for a while so the blue eyed devils could get their fix. That's how we roll.

I don't know what we'll do tonight. Hotels all over are booked. There are lines for gas and McDonalds. Peter went out this morning to get gas at 6am and on his way home with Starbucks and McDonalds he hit a patch of black ice and crashed into a guard rail.

Sigh...

Ok, we're done now. No more lessons needed to "make us stronger".

More later. Must check to see what my children are destroying.

Oh and I would personally like to pat myself on the back for buying 100 tea light candles 6 months ago even though when I was buying them I thought "Well, this is a bit much but it's $4.99. What a deal!" We burned through every one.

Goodnight John Boy.

She's Just That Kind Of Girl

Emily Provost — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 12:48:00 GMT

I made cookies for the family across the street who found Stan and brought them over with a thank you note. I've recovered from the loss of my beloved Stan and am left feeling a little embarrassed about my level of grief. I shouldn't feel embarrassed I guess, but I do. That doesn't take away from the fact that it sucked. As someone recently said so eloquently to me "heartache is lame."

That same person's husband made a mix and she sent me a copy. It's been a while since music made me happy. Really good stuff. Thanks, Lloyd.

Zooey Deschanel's appearance on Weeds last night was brilliant. Even seeing her on the previews last week I think I clapped. I find her infinitely appealing. I love that show. Love that show. I love to hear the theme song redone each week by a new artist. I also love the writing. It's such a smart, well done show. It makes me feel terribly normal after watching it though. That's a good thing. Silas breaks my heart. Actually, they all do.

Speaking of weed, this made me laugh out loud. Then I had to read the entire article aloud to Peter.

I'm still reading Mockingbird, the Harper Lee biography and while it is really really interesting, it's slow going. I think I like a side of salacious with my biography. The author keeps a respectful distance from Lee. I can't help but wonder if that is because she is still alive. Perhaps she was just a salacious free woman. Perhaps. I think I'm going to read all of Augusten Burrough's books in their entirety again soon. He just speaks to me and is so freaking funny, warm, likable and real. Next on my list to read is Eat Pray Love and Paint it Black. I have been devouring magazines. Inhaling them. It's sort of a sickness. I won't stop though. I figure it's not like it's Crystal Meth.

As I said, I am enjoying my new mix from the ELKs and want Corrine Bailey Rae's CD. I saw her on SNL and I was sort of transfixed and enchanted so I want to get her CD and listen to it over and over.

This highly controversial exhibit is here and I'm dying to see it. Is that horrific that I want to take Hadley to see it? I won't I won't, but I know she would dig it. She's totally into blood and gore. So untypical girl, it's interesting. Yesterday, I was trying to find Halloween coloring pages online that we could color. I was clicking through and saw My Little Pony Halloween with the cutesy ponies and pumpkins or cute little witches. She wanted the scary crap. The monsters and ghouls. She's always the first one on the scene when someone in the family gets a cut or is bleeding too. Allthewhile in her princess dress. Such a funny juxtaposition. Princess and Guts. I see so much of Peter in her. She retains EVERYTHING and is ready to spit it out at a moments notice. I gave her some milk this morning and she said "I sure hope the cow that was milked for my drink didn't have any onion grass because if she did then my milk would taste sour."

Feeling good lately although not so much today. I stayed up too late watching Law and Orders. Must nap now while Finn is asleep.

I look forward to meeting you soon, Mia. I know you'll be one hell of a girl.

Goodbye Pony Boy

Emily Provost — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 11:09:00 GMT

I am beyond destroyed this morning. Crying since yesterday. Stan was hit by a car and killed on Saturday. My neighbor found him and kept him in their shed, hoping there would be a sign so they could return him to his owner (they didn’t know he was ours). I honestly didn’t realize he was missing until Tuesday. He would sometimes wander away for a day or so. On Tuesday though I knew it had been too long. I put up signs and this woman’s daughter saw one. (Gotta love 12 year old girls…) Long story short, Peter went and got him and we buried him in our backyard last night. Hadley made a card to be buried with him and we all stood around his little grave. Atticus kept snuggling me like he knew. It was weird. I was/am crushed and have been bawling. Completely. I loved that fucking cat. I feel like it was the end of an era, you know? I got him when I was about 20. Before there was Team Provost, there was just me and Stan…

There is a part of me though that is relieved to know what happened and to know where he is. He is home with us. I credit Taylor for that. The woman who found him, Trish, said "I know you want to remember him how he was so my husband wouldn't mind just burying him in our backyard and you can visit anytime you want." In my shocked and saddened state I just agreed. When I hung up Taylor said "No, I'll go get him and bring him home." It turned out that the woman wasn't home and we would have to wait until she got back at which time Peter would be home anyway, so I told Taylor that Peter would do it. She was the one who suggested it though and I am grateful.

Goodbye Stanley Padden. You will be missed. I would like to add though that you will not be missed by the rodent population. Somehow I think they're having a party somewhere.

CCC and the CIA

Emily Provost — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 12:45:00 GMT

After graduation from the University of Kansas (Rock Chalk Jayhawk!), I wandered into the Colorado Institute of Art and before I knew it, I had signed up for a 2 year program in Multimedia/Graphic Design. I just remember being like “Wow! That loan stuff sure was easy! Um…$22,000 later…)

I digress…

So, at the time, the program was filled with lots of boys. On my first day of class, I remember standing at the door trying to figure out where I was going to sit. The majority of my classmates looked a tad greasy and like they might sit alone in their underwear watching Star Trek reruns and eating pork rinds. Then my eyes fixed on a darling young thing and I immediately plopped down next to him. He smelled like fresh soap and cinnamon and was hilarious. HIlarious. We instantly bonded and I have loved him ever since. There was a kid named Brian Adams in our program and Chad and I just used to call him “Cuts Like a Knife”. To his face. It STILL makes me laugh.

Anyway, I got an email from him this morning and it made my heart soar. You made my day, CCC. There is no one like you. XOXO

Did anyone catch the episode of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia where there was mention of the Juvenile Lupus Association last week? Hard to explain but it proves my point that Lupus is used on TV when they need an ailment but something just enigmatic enough where people know it’s sort of bad but they don’t know what it is.I still watch that show in all of its bizarreness. Sometimes I find it hilarious. Sometimes I don’t laugh at all. But on this episode, I saw the Lupus banner in the episode and I said “HEY!!” and was all excited like I saw someone I knew on TV or something.

Cupcakes Make Everything Better

Emily Provost — Sat, 19 Aug 2006 21:38:00 GMT

Baby Solara celebrated her “1/2 birthday” today and Elizabeth and Mick threw a little shindig at their house in West Seattle. After some grub, we all loaded up and went to Alki beach and it was lovely. I was happy I felt better today and looked forward to hanging with the Munssons and friends. You have to mentally prepare for an afternoon like that with the kiddies and just let whatever is going to happen happen. Oh and it helps to be FULLY prepared with all sorts of distractions, spare clothes and food. I was delighted when E mentioned that her parents were bringing a BIG umbrella for some much needed shade. Sweet E.

The cupcakes were the hit of the afternoon for my two pink faced cherubs and they happily ate two each. E, Rebecca and I walked across the street for some much needed coffee beverages and I’m telling you, I couldn’t have been happier sitting in the shade on the beach with a coffee, a cupcake and good peeps. Nice. I, of course, did some major ass kissing later because Peter stood watch over the kids in the blazing sun as they buried and reburied each other for and hour or more. I brought him an iced coffee but mostly tried to stay out of the sun. I didn’t want to screw up the rest of the weekend as we have a big picnic for my mother’s group tomorrow and then a date tomorrow evening SANS children.

When I got the kids to bed, I hopped online to peruse houses for sale in West Seattle. It happens every time we’re over there. Sigh…Someday…

I’ll start Arava next week when my prescription arrives. I’m not looking forward to it but trying to be optimistic. What’s the worst that can happen?

Must watch crap TV and eat popcorn…

If you have a dog named Todd, Judy, Bijou or Honey than today is your lucky day. XOXO to you MFs.

Stan

Emily Provost — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 12:25:00 GMT

I forgot to mention too that yesterday I found ANOTHER dead baby bunny in the garage as well as a mole. That means that after we locked Stan out of the house, my 12 year old cat killed two more animals. On the one hand I’m horrified and on the other I’m sort of the proud mama of a Senior Cat Olympian. Seriously. He’s a bad ass. A bad ass baby bunny killer.

The mole I had no problem disposing of but I steered clear of the other baby bunny.

All the Girls Coming Out for a Foggy Affair..

Emily Provost — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 12:17:00 GMT

Feeling nasty today. Foggy foggy foggy. And TIRED. It started yesterday. Peter got home at 5 and I crashed until 6. I had a mothers club event which I should have bailed on but I didn’t want to disappoint the girlie I was going with. It was a cookie making/decorating party, which sounded good because I’ve never met a cookie I didn’t like and there were lots of mentions of “frosting”. The company that put it on just started and it sort of sucked. I just wasn’t up to it first of all, and then it wasn’t executed well, which added to my frustration. There was also one person there who drives me absolutely batty. Absolutely batty and no matter what I did I couldn’t tune her ridiculous baby talking voice out of my head. To calm myself I had to cram cookies down my throat. They were not delicious sugar cookies like EMP’s. There just weren’t good. Nothing a little or a TON of frosting couldn’t fix though.

Must nap because the boy is napping too and HJ is at school but I wanted to post this because I thought it was so funny. Found it while reading Perez Hilton this morning. These two guys did a Backstreet Boys song a while back and it was equally hilarious. Perhaps more so…