I'm not feeling well and seriously, you'd think at this point in the game (3 years with Lupus) that I wouldn't be surprised when I start to feel crappy. But every single time I have a mini flare, I feel defeated, angry, and weak. I get pissed and try to ignore it, pushing myself through the day. By the time Peter arrives home, I can barely stand I'm so exhausted and spent. The past few days I have collapsed in bed by 9. It's been hectic with school starting, activities and life I guess. My hip joints ache distractingly. My skin hurts. My brain feels foggy and slow. And to add insult to injury, my belly button hurts where they went in for the laparoscopy.

I'm pissed. I don't like to be told what to do. It's a strange sensation to be trying to rebel against your own body. Trying to do just one more thing before I rest...just one more thing...

At some point, my body says "nope, we're resting."

I'll sit or lie down and close my eyes and it feels like I'll never be able to open them up again. I feel weighed down and everything hurts. Problem is it's 11:14am and I have the whole day to go with an active 3 year old who doesn't believe in sitting still. Part 2 of the day starts at 2:45pm when we go get HJ at school and walk to the park for a playdate she has been talking about non stop for 3 days. I'm dreading the small talk with her mom, who is lovely by the way. I really like her. I just don't really want to talk. It takes so much energy.

Everything is sheer force of will and positive attitude. I distract myself with all the things that need to be done and focus on the good things in my life. I also make sure to do all of the other things I'm supposed to do: drink lots of water, eat well, take all meds, sleep as much as I can. It's just the part where there are things I WANT to do and my body can't that piss me off.

I'm thinking this is probably some sort of cold working its way through my system but it still infuriates me.

Peter made a good point lat night though. He reminded me that I had been feeling pretty freaking good ALL summer and to be grateful for that. I HAD been feeling really good and purposely wasn't talking about it so I could go on with my daydream that I'm normal and not this medical freak. (Peter and I joke that I have Avian Bone Syndrome like Phoebe, Jack's old girlfriend on 30 Rock...You can't touch her because she has hollow bones - SO excited for the return of that show.) Anyway, I seriously sort of thought that I could just tip toe away from Lupus and she wouldn't notice and would leave me alone. If I don't say "remission" (said in a whisper tone the same way people say "cancer" or "pregnant") then perhaps I will have a long, drawn out actual remission. And every time I get sick I think "DAMN! FOILED AGAIN!"

Strange but true.

That was rambly but felt good to get out. (many thanks to ELK as well, who graciously just listened to me basically spit out this same thing on the phone. LYL.)

I made brownies and the house is cozy and full of that fantastic smell. It's fitting for the chilly, dark day. Densmores are coming over for dinner and even though I'm not up to it, I won't cancel because it's been far too long since we've seen them and they're like family. I don't have to be "on" for them.

Happy Weekend everyone. We have nothing planned and I like it that way. Oh wait, that's not true, I plan to spend lots of time in bed with husband watching HEROES.

I turned comments off because I was getting too much spam. Damn spammers. Seriously, there are only so many drugs and penile enhancers a girl needs...