It’s a slow ass morning. I could not open my eyes this morning. It was like my eyelids had weights on them. Acting like a stubborn child yesterday I mowed the front and back lawns and am paying for it today. Achy and freaking exhausted. God damn Lupus. (fists raised to the sky) I’m pissed too because I hate being told what to do. By my body. I knew better and did it anyway because I wanted the lawn done and Peter hadn’t done it. It was terribly overgrown and I was beginning to hear the theme song from Sanford and Son. All we were missing was a broken down car and a random toilet in the yard.

I starting crying on the way home from driving HJ to school this morning. Finn and I were listening to Peter, Paul and Mary's "Going to the Zoo" for the 100 millionth time and my mind started wandering about my dad. He used to sing the Boa Constrictor song to us. I remember it so vividly. He was great at the gobbling sound at the end of the song.

Three or four things came up quickly in my head in the file of "things to tell Dad" and without thinking I thought "I have to remember to tell him those things. Oh, I'll just write him a letter."

Almost as quickly as I thought that, I remembered that I couldn't. And I choked and sobbed for a minute, being careful because I was driving. I pulled into the driveway and took a few deep breaths trying to get it together. I pulled into the garage and Finn and I went inside with me blinking back tears. Just like that. It's weird how these moments just start sliding themselves into my day in between dropping a kid off at school and my second cup of coffee. Grieving has become something that just sneaks its way into my day. It has to. Otherwise it won't get out.  

The last few days I have been thinking a lot about the Virgina Tech shooter's parents. I can't stop thinking about them honestly. All of the other parents are grieving but in a much different way. They get to remember their children as they were. That kid's parents are left with this horrible indescribable massacre that THEIR child was responsible for. They have to be questioning every single thing they did as parents and are probably wondering how they could have raised a monster. I hope someone is reaching out to them and comforting them. They are victims as well.

I've often thought about composing a "100 things about me" list but never did because it seemed like too much to reveal. I know that sounds odd considering this is a personal blog and I reveal so much but it is what it is. Perhaps it's because when I read other people's lists I shudder sometimes thinking "Ack. Too much information." I'm happy putting out just the right amount of information. I suppose it all comes down to control. Anyway...as a "step out of your box" exersise, which I need to do more of, I will attempt my list. I'm only up to #16. It's a work in progress. I'll post it when I'm done.

Hadley has been extremely interested in prosthetic arms and legs lately. Every day for weeks she has had questions and I have been explaining in detail as much as I know. I pulled up websites and pictures to further explain what goes on. She wanted to know HOW exactly they attached the artifical limb. She also wants to know exactly how they work. (Can you move your toes or fingers? What is it made of?) Sigh...my little scientist. She was also curious as to whether or not there was a "Magic School Bus" episode explaining prosthetic limbs, because "you know, mom, that show teaches you SO many things." She watches it every morning. She reminds me so much of Meg as a kid. So cerebral.

Finn has developed the weirdest eating habits. He likes frozen waffles, NOT toasted. Frozen. Ew. And he likes his cereal (Cheerios) without milk. It's funny how they suddenly become very specific about culinary desires.

Despite this lackluster entry, I'm in a good mood. I suppose I'm more "meh" than "WAHOO" but at least the sun is shining. I'm looking forward to the weekend. There are a few tasks I want to tackle and also there are plans with Mick, E and the girlie Sol, which should be lovely.

Wishing you croissants slathered with Nutella, fresh fruit, the morning paper, silence and a really really good cup of coffee.