We had this trip to Disneyland planned for FOREVER and my mom encouraged us to still go and we also thought it would be good for us to be together. Plus, no one wanted to tell Miss HJ that we weren't going. We left on Sunday the 4th and came back on the 7th.

Note to self: Disneyland is not the place to grieve. It's really not the place for anything really unless you love massive amounts of other people, lines, shitty overpriced food and lots and LOTS of kids. It's Vegas for kids and I hate Vegas too. Yes, I am negative Nelly and I'm here to tell you I'm not a Disney girl. Luckily, we stayed at a swank hotel that did not disappoint and was basically connected to Disneyland so there was not any shuttling back and forth on buses. We would go to the park form 9-12 and then come home for lunch and a nap from 12-3. That might have been my favorite part as it involved me in my comfy clothes in bed with the AC cranked and a big fat issue of VOGUE while the kids slept. Delish.

After returning home and spewing negativity all over anyone who would listen, I felt bad for shit talking about the happiest place on earth. I just have to keep repeating "It's not for me. It's for the kids. It's not for me. It's for the kids." Seriously though, everyone has been like "Didn't you have THE best time?"

Are you kidding?

Peter said it best when he said "Our kids had THE best time."

The kids did LOVE EVERY SECOND. I do think they were too young to go though, especially Finn. Hadley has balls of steel and just wanted to go on the roller coasters. She was peeved that they had height requirements. Seriously, pick the scariest ride at California Adventure and she was begging to go on it. She was also treated like a little queen because they knew it was her birthday (she had a button they gave her), which was lovely and very VIP.

Finn can't stop talking about how much he enjoyed Minnie's House (there was a pretend cake that inflated and deflated in the oven that we watched for 45 minutes) and the Ferris Wheel and how much it scared him and how he thought he was going to fall in the water.

Peter and I did our best to remain positive and just kept laughing to each other and saying how we were never coming again and daydreaming about a villa in Mexico. I also looked VERY forward to a few cocktails each night. I just think the whole place represents what is wrong with America. Obesity, consumerism, gluttony, overindulgant children. Blech. If I see another churro I'm going to puke.

A few days ago,I was driving, going over my thoughts about the whole experience with my ever present furrowed brow and all of the sudden I heard my Dad's voice in my head.

"Hey" he said. "Lighten up."

I smiled. My brow relaxed and I felt a wave of relief come over me. That is exactly what he would have said to me after I spat out all of the stressful details of the trip.  I miss him terribly and don't really know how to process all of this. I found myself staring at a father and daughter on the Teacup ride. She was about 10. I smiled and actually didn't feel sad. I felt lucky because I had my Dad at that time. I had my Dad through so many fabulous milestones in my life and I treasure those memories. I have no regrets. Nothing was left unsaid. That doesn't take away from the immense sadness and huge hole though. Life is moving so fast and I just want the ride to stop so I can get off and catch my breath and process.