It has been a hard day. I find myself sinking and then struggling to the surface for air and comfort. ABD, thank you for today. You provided a much needed bit of brightness.

It doesn't get easier, does it? It just becomes different. I find myself wanting to tell everyone how great he was. Not just that he died but that he was so full of light and love and insight and joy.

Here is an email from January 12, 2005. We had just moved here in August 2004. I had been diagnosed with Lupus and was struggling:

Dear Emily,

I'm sorry you are going through all these tortures. I wish there was something I could say or do that would calm your fears and sooth your soul. I do know one thing - "This too will pass". I can't tell you when but I assure you it will pass. In the mean time try to be strong and trust in your self, your family and God. It's all we have to combat the strange things that surround us and make us miserable. It doesn't make any sense and there is no reason to feel embarrassed or foolish. You have gone through the toughest valleys already -New baby, New house, New location, New friends, New everything including fears and frustrations. Soon the sun will come out and you will be able to take big deep breaths ( I think you know this metaphor has nothing to do with Seattle) Just like in all combat sometimes we fall back, regroup, and gather strength before we can move forward. You have a great support network. Make sure you make good use of it.

Know that we love you. You are us and we are you. You ( we ) will beat this thing or at least learn to control it.

Let's plan to talk at a specific time every day or so, when you can be near the phone. Give me some times which might fit your schedule - morning, noon or night.
and we can talk. I'd like that. It will be like a talk date.

Love,

Dad

No one can take this from me. I drew strength from it when he sent it and I draw strength from it again tonight even as I sit sobbing and typing.