Today I am thinking of RMP. Relief and fear are such strange emotions to be coexisting in my brain/body. They trade off surging around, making me feel a little queasy. Or maybe that is medication.

RMP is my dad. Funny and handsome. Winsome and Charming. Loving and Constant. He has cancer. Breast cancer. So rare in men. They operated and removed the tumor so he is cancer free but starts chemo today. Since I woke up this morning I have been thinking of him. Looking at the clock every minute or so wondering what he is doing and glad that my mom is with him. My sister and Mia will be with him this afternoon. This whole thing has screwed me up quite honestly. My mom had breast cancer about 8 years ago. I was in college and my parents were living in Texas at the time. I still have the picture my mom sent me of her smiling beautifully with her bald head. She did not want us to wonder what she looked like or to paint a sad face on it all so she took Cancer by the horns and won. Dad will be fine too as he is a fighter and a stubborn SOB. (said lovingly of course dear father) He will be fine. I just wish I was there. It's also hard to even consider that your parents are mortal. I have tried my hardest to deny this was even going on because I didn't even know how to process it. I sympathize with how he feels on some levels. My dad calls it being "a bug in a jug". Where everyone just sort of stares at you waiting for something to happen. I feel like that with Lupus sometimes. You're sick and they can't do anything about it but they look at you as if willing you to be better with do the trick.

I know there was concern about my state. I guess I was sort of cryptic in my last post. Nope. I'm ok. Just a lot of stuff going on. Life. As cliche as it sounds this whole life roller coaster thing is a bit much sometimes. I don't even like roller coasters.

I have been so achy and exhausted the last few days. Hadley was crying hysterically yesterday because I said we couldn't go to the gym to swim. I just didn't have enough energy. Her disappointment hit me hard. I know it sounds dramatic but I thought for a minute "Is this the beginning of me disappointing her because I dont' have enough energy to do things sometimes?"

I'm rambling.

Shows I love lately:

Ugly Betty - It's just good clean fun. Cake for my brain.

30 Rock -Why haven't I been watching this religiously? THIS is hilarious. Oh My God. Alec Baldwin kills me.

Big Love - Well, I wouldn't say I love it but I can't get away from it. I rented the whole season. It's like a car crash. I can't look away. It's about a man with three wives. It makes me feel anxious and incredulous that anyone could ever live like that. All of the money issues, sharing the husband, dealing with all of those kids. Ack. But as I said, I can't look away and I have Peter accidentally addicted to it too.

I finished Eat Pray Love and am still sad about it. Trying to move on, I inhaled The Wonder Spot and The Glass Castle immediately after I finished Eat Pray Love. Castle is a memoir and will make you feel incredibly and deliciously normal after you read it. MAN, what a life. Wonder Spot is a fun, quick read by the author of The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing.  I found out Elizabeth Gilbert and I have the same birthday, July 18. Um, hello? Now I almost have to stalk her. Seriously though. I know it means nothing but I can't help but stomp down the aisles of Target feeling somewhat important. Like we are connected in some way. I desperately want Meg to read it so we can discuss.

I loved this post. I look forward to reading his blog every day. It's a little highlight....

My darling Finn is going through a mama phase. He wants me inches from him at all times. It's wildly irritating but I try to remember that soon he will be 17, out of my grasp and taller than me, drinking beer in some parking lot with not a thought of me in his brain.

He calls the zoo the "kazoo" and says "Ma, what animals are at the kazoo?" He also went from calling Vitamins "vitafinns" to 'violins'. "Ma, where's my violin? I need my violin!" He's turning into his own little person and it's funny to watch but not for anyone with sensitive ears. He's a loud little man.

Hadley started reading this past weekend. She just started sounding things out much to our amazement. She's still completely obsessed with Harry Potter, which is so cute. She obsessively draws and writes. In the car the other day she said "Mom, we're wasting time in traffic when I could be drawing!"

Happy Happy Birthday goes out to RAHR. She is mighty, smart, funny, and I'm proud to call her one of my bestest. Love you Reebs. Many many happy wishes to you today! It is also my beautiful neice Lyla's birthday. She's 7 but in my head she's 3. Always.