Been feeling like shit for a few days now. I’ve been fighting it. As I told Peter last night “I don’t like being told what to do.” It’s like a battle between two things: my body and my mind. My mind was upbeat, positive, ready to tackle the day but my body wasn’t having it. My body won this morning. After going to bed at 9 last night, I thought I’d be better today. No. I woke up aching from head to toe. I felt so hot but had not temp. My skin aches from the inside out. Touching it hurts. Going upstairs takes everything I have. I changed Finn’s diaper and had to rest after doing it. The TV hurts my ears. The dogs are annoying (yes, plural…I am watching a friend’s lab for 2 days. My friend Lauri said “Are you doing Penance for something?” which made me laugh…) I look around the house at all of the things that need to be done and I don’t have enough energy to do any of it.

I finally called Peter in tears. I hated calling him but I needed help and I needed comfort. He provides both. With no questions and nothing but a loving, calm voice he said “I’ll be right there.”

He walked in the door, hugged me and said “You’re going to be fine.” I am so grateful for him. I told him I was and told him I loved him. He said “We take care of each other”…which makes me teary just typing it again.

What do women who are married to assholes do? Especially if they have a chronic disease?  It’s starting to really piss me off that just when I think I’m ok…that I’m normal…something happens to remind me I’m not. You think I’d be used to it by now. That I would come to expect it or be used to it. Nope. Every time Lupus/Fibromyalgia comes out from behind a corner and ravages my body it feels a little bit like it did when I was first diagnosed: scary, isolating, unreal.

Enough rambling. I’m going to lie down.