American Idol Theory: If Justin Timberlake and Wilmer Valderrama had a baby it would be that kid Mario Vasquez (pronounced VasKWEZ not VasKEZ like everyone else. Ok, Jennipher.) Anyway, my theory on why he quit is that it was all planned out. He planned to get to the top 12 and then drop out to get the PR bus going but then jump off early so as not to be a part of the bus crash that is winning or not winning American Idol. He was on Dave last night. Hello? At this point I want Bo Bice to win. He seems normal and he sang an Allman Brothers song, and not Alicia Keys, which earned him points. I hate Constantine with a passion, although I did stop hating him during his performance last night, only to resume hating him again when he gave the “bedroom eyes” at the end. Stop doing that you smarmy little shit!

In other crappy related TV news, here is what is in my Tivo at the moment: Gastineau Girls, Entertainment Tonight, Faking It, Breathing Space Yoga, and a bunch of CSIs and Law and Orders. Looking at the list last night Peter actually said “Jesus, that’s a lot of bad TV” to which I smiled, squealed with glee and said “I know!” Gastineau Girls is total trash but I’m not watching this crap to impress the gang at MENSA. I want pure, mindless escapism drivel. I want to loll around with Lisa Gastineau and her asshole, spoiled daughter in Aspen. I want to watch them fight over the same guy. While it is entertaining, it does bring me back to high school and college when I knew girls who had moms that were their “Friends”. Puke. You’re the mom, act like it. My friend’s mom would try to dress like us and join in when we were talking shit. I knew it was odd at the time but I’d still stay to my mom “Why can’t you be like So and So’s mom and be my friend?” My mom would laugh and say “I”m not your friend sweetheart, I’m your mom”. Thank You, Ellen Padden.

Back to TV. Last week I watched a TIVOed episode of CSI and the main guy who died was into pretending he was a baby. They were calling it “infantism”. He liked to act like a baby, wear diapers, breastfeed, and in general be treated like a baby. The episode creeped me out (and still does!) so bad that I think about it every day. I just don’t get it. I googled it and found this: “ABastian’s Little Playround”…and there are pictures. Sweet Lord.  It creeps me out too that the whole thing is in Comic Sans (my most hated font for adults to use) and Eeyore is everywhere. Adults using Winnie the Pooh gear has a really really high ick factor for me. It’s just gross.

Blech. Enough of that.

For various reasons, Peter is getting a vasectomy tomorrow. I was telling my mom about it and she said “OH! Poor Peter. That is so sweet of him”.  Sweet? Hm. I grew two humans in my belly for 9 months each and they came out my vagina. I think that’s pretty fucking sweet. Apparently the whole procedure takes 7–8 minutes. Insane. I giddily filled his perscription for Xanax and Vicodin yesterday. The Xanax is for before and the Vicodin is for after. Lucky SOB. I also got him a “HAPPY VASECTOMY” present, The Incredibles DVD. He’s supposed to stay off of his feet for 24 hours so I’ll play nurse maid. I’m not very good at playing nurse maid but my heart is in the right place. I start out really well and get him everything he needs and then about 14 minutes laterI forget and want him to help me with the kids or help me paint an entire room.

I was the most thoughtful wife in all of the land last night though. I hired a babysitter and had her come to the house at 5. Earlier in the day I sent Peter an email that said “Do not leave until you hear from me. I will call you later with further instructions” I called him at 5:15 when I was on my way to his office to pick him up with a change of clothes. He was giddy. It was so cute to see and so fun to do. He changed in the car and we went to dinner. I took him to SeaStar in Bellevue and it was fanfreakingtastic. After dinner we still had 2 hours until we had to relieve the babysitter so we walked around Borders. Alone. In Peace. And Quiet. I can’t explain how absolutely heavenly it was. To those without kids, it sounds mundane and frankly, dumb. But to me it was glorious. The whole evening was but just to wander around on my own was fabulous. I did laugh though as we were heading home and it was 8:45 and I was yawning and dreaming about my sweatpants. Time to put this old girl to bed.

Almost done with Augusten Burrough’s Magical Thinking and I may read it again just for sport. It’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a really long time. I would like my very own tiny Augusten Burroughs to put in my pocket. That way when I get bored I can pull him out and make him say something hysterically mean and snide.